What shape might the life of a person who has significant anhedonia, who does not recognize or respond to reward, take? Mine seems to have become an exercise in pain avoidance. I recall so many times closing my eyes and seeing myself as a bumper car that bounces off pain. It makes life so random, hitting pain at various angles and ricocheting who knows where, just to repeat that time and again. And then of course I try to avoid the avoidance by avoiding anything I associate with pain. But it doesn’t stop there I go into meta- mode avoid the avoidance I’m avoiding to avoid the pain. After while there are really only two things in the world, avoidance and pain. That doesn’t sound very good and it’s pretty much as bad as it sounds. No direction, lots of anxiety, hyper alert and every decision, appears to me to be some kind of blow, just choices between ways to lose. Sometimes I feel that beat up just by the process of living.
I could buy a house then I’d have a house. If I don’t buy a house I have to continue to live and have my business in rented space. Rented space can be abandoned in a snap. Houses, in any kind of intelligent escape need to be sold and that takes time. Anything that takes time isn’t a proper escape – and I have no idea what I would escape from but I’ve done it many times. Maybe I’m just escaping from feeling trapped.
My dogs are old. I have a home for them more than any other reason. Sometime that reason will be gone. I have to wonder if I’m trying to make a transition by being so concerned that my employee keeps his job. Could I be making him the new reason to keep going? I don’t seem to be able to do hardly anything just for myself. No problem doing for someone or something else -but never for myself.
As you can see I’m depressed again already, it’s Sunday, it’s cold, it’s raining. A little while ago I laid down on my bed and tried to adjust my mind. After that I took the console for the NordicTrack elliptical trainer apart and repaired it. It’s been sitting there for a couple months waiting to get fixed. I’m deciding to feel good about that.