It was, not at all nice, to be seven years old at my house.

My father had to deal with a bipolar disorder and alcoholism.  No doubt this was overwhelming, with a wife and seven kids to take care of.  He probably did an excellent job under the circumstances, but sometimes the best you can do isn’t good. 

 Of course my mother had an alcoholic bipolar husband and seven kids to take care of.  I have no idea how she did it.  Perhaps it was her God connection, but even that couldn’t make things good for any of us.

I had an alcoholic bipolar father and an entirely overwhelmed preoccupied mother, to deal with, as well as the belief that I was supposed to take care of everyone.  I have no idea where that came from.  I did the best I could under the circumstances.  I wish I had been raised by wolves.

I had acquired vast amounts of the ingredients necessary to manifests a significant set of difficulties, including alcoholism, anxiety disorder, panic attacks and bipolar disorder  very early.  That is I was, both genetically and situationally by virtue of constant stress set up to fail at being mentally or emotionally stable.  I imagine, from the same place I got all this, I probably also got incredible strength and resilience, pit bull toughness, appreciable intelligence and a potpourri of skills and talents.  Bottom line, I would not do any of it over, not a day, an hour or an event-nothing.  Everything is nothing.

So, where it comes from, this anhedonia, is no different than were a beautiful trained singing voice comes from, a combination of inherited potential, exposure to favorable circumstances for development and years of training.

If you experience anhedonia, what do you think it came from?   

Anhedonic babies grow up. I go to sleep thinking and I wake up thinking and all day thoughts drop and swirl through my mind like snowflakes, the only difference, some of them are the same over and over. When I woke up this morning the anhedonic children were in my mind. I started to think, to remember, to link.
Do you ever recall being scared by something just because you couldn’t clearly define what it was-some shadow in the dark-some errie noise? Then there are the more subtle forms of alert, confusion, worry, bewilderment, anxiety… all because you are thrown off base, can’t quite get a grasp on what is happening, what you’re seeing, what you’re hearing-the ‘why’ of the moment. For me it’s like this all day long every day every month every year decade after decade. Everyone around me is acting and reacting in ways I don’t understand, don’t have access to, can only imitate-and I do imitate quite well, well enough to fool everyone except my self. To keep from being ‘found out’, I keep all but a few people at a distance.

Christmas doesn’t really mean anything to me except candy canes and bright lights and endless demands on my very limited energy to make things nice for someone else. I watch this thing called joy, merriment, good will toward all and I have no idea what’s going on. Easter doesn’t really mean any thing to me except jellybeans and Easter bunnies. I’ve always liked the jellybeans, but that bunny, he’s always looked rather ridiculous. I don’t understand why people celebrate birthdays or anniversaries. I do not understand what party in general is about or social or Memorial or funeral and the list goes on. I don’t know why anyone gets excited when a baby is born or would want to have anything in particular to do with one.
The thing that makes this anhedonic state rather sticky, much more confusing, something a psychologist could have fun with for years-are all the stories I have made up and incidents and experiences to which I have attributed value to explain to myself how I got this way, why Everything is Nothing.
Tomorrow-or some time soon I will say more-in this 12 part essay on my personal anhedonic experience.

• Making up stories…
• in vivo adrenalin shootups!…
• No dreams, goals, aspirations… 
• how nothing becomes nothing good…
• “I don’t care”
• the value of anger… 
• one saving grace…
• the hug, the touch, other confusing things… 
• furfaced angels for anhedonia…
• Bipolar connection?…
• sex or not…
• creating reasons to live…
• and other STUFF.

Running across this just made me extremely sad. Imagine…
Document title
Characteristics of depressed preschoolers with and without anhedonia: Evidence for a melancholic depressive subtype in young children
Auteur(s) / Author(s)
LUBY Joan L. (1) ; MRAKOTSKY Christine (1) ; HEFFELFINGER Amy (1) ; BROWN Kathy (1) ; SPITZNAGEL Edward (1) ;
Affiliation(s) du ou des auteurs / Author(s) Affiliation(s)
(1) Department of Psychiatry, Washington University School of Medicine, St Louis MO 63110, ETATS-UNIS

Résumé / Abstract
Objective: This study investigated whether a melancholic subtype similar to that established in depressed adults can be identified in depressed preschool children. Method: A final group total of 156 preschool children between the ages of 3.0 and 5.6 years and their caregivers underwent a comprehensive psychiatric assessment that included a structured psychiatric interview modified for young children. The clinical characteristics of four study groups (N=156) were compared: depressed preschoolers with anhedonia, depressed preschoolers without anhedonia (hedonic), a psychiatric comparison g.oup with DSM-IV attention deficit hyper-activity disorder and/or oppositional defiant disorder, and a healthy comparison group. Results: Fifty-four depressed preschoolers were identified, and 57% of this depressed group was anhedonic, a symptom deemed to be highly developmentally and clinically significant when arising in the preschool period. The anhedonic depressed subgroup identified was characterized by greater depression severity, alterations in stress cortisol reactivity, increased family history of major depressive disorder, and increased frequency of psychomotor retardation as well as other melancholic symptoms, such as a lack of brightening in response to joyful events. Conclusions: The clinical characteristics of this depressed subgroup are consistent with those described in melancholic depressed adults and suggest that a melancholic depressed subtype can be manifest in children as young as age 3.
Revue / Journal Title
The American journal of psychiatry ISSN 0002-953X CODEN AJPSAO
Source / Source
2004, vol. 161, no11, pp. 1998-2004 [7 page(s) (article)] (32 ref.)
http://cat.inist.fr/?aModele=afficheN&cpsidt=16268209… All the little children, just like I used to be, without a chance of feeling good-ever. I’m so depressed I have to go to bed now.

Check it out…

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=159

The Loss of Joy: Anhedonia            Written by Richard O’Connor, PhD

“Less dramatic than anhedonia but a much more pervasive problem is a condition that doesn’t even have a clinical name; it’s the gradual withdrawal into isolation and indifference that can mark the beginning of depression. Robertson Davies called this condition acedia; it’s akin to the deadly sin of sloth. But it’s not merely laziness, it’s a gradual closing down of the world.”

Definition:

The term “ANHEDONIA” refers to the loss of capacity to experience pleasure or the inability to gain pleasure from normally pleasurable experiences.

1. I used to enjoy good food but no longer do. ……

2. My emotions feel numb and I cannot respond to happy events. ……

3. Feelings of sadness can easily overwhelm me. ……

4. Other people now seem to be much happier than I am. ……

5. I have great difficulty trying to get going in the morning. ……

6. I have lost interest in activities that used to give me pleasure. ……

7. I cannot think of anything that can make me feel happy. ……

8. I cannot give or receive affection as well as I used to. ……

9. I feel that God is very far away and not interested in me. ……

10. I no longer want to socialize with people. ……

11. I avoid going to church, club or other social activities. ……

12. I used to derive a lot of pleasure in hobbies or creative activities,

but no longer do. ……

13. Even when I accomplish something significant, I cannot enjoy it. ……

14. Most of what is happening in my life bores me. ……

15. The worst time of the day for me is the morning, or after I have taken a nap. ……

Total the score given to each question.                                                                 TOTAL ……

0 to 10: Your score is very low and reflects no anhedonia.Scoring and interpretation: Total the score given to each question. The highest score is 45.

11 to 15: Your score is still low, but there might be some mild, temporary

anhedonia in some areas of your life.

16 to 20: Your score is beginning to show some mild anhedonia that might

be more enduring in some areas of your life.

21 to 25: You are showing some moderate signs of anhedonia – if it is not

temporary you may need some help.
I got an A!

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all about being afraid of feeling good.  I’ve been away for a few days, a few days of trying to have a good time and a few days of trying to get back on track.  I need to overcome some of my reluctance to let anyone in the house hear, what I’m saying, after all they could go online and read it all, but probably wouldn’t.  Some of the turmoil I experience and fast mood swings, accompanied by entirely divergent states of mind are probably much more revealing and interesting ‘fresh’, before I have had the opportunity to try to explain them to myself and adjust them.

I took a friend on a mini vacation to the coast for his birthday.  I found a delightful place to stay called Wild spring, charming cabins set in a forest on a hill above Port Orford, on the Oregon coast. It was an absolutely ideal atmosphere by nearly any standard; rich sumptuous eclectic decor a big bed like a cloud with a thick down comforter, two fat soft upholstered chairs nearly the size of loveseats, candles everywhere, a high A-frame ceiling, lightly embroidered transparent fabric covering the lower half of the Windows only- not to interfere with the view of sunlight streaking down through the forest and in the corner, a small crystal chandelier, the list goes on.  Just out the door to the right a stone lined walking labyrinth had been constructed.  A two-minute walk through the forest and past the main lodge, we enjoyed a huge deep jacuzzi with a wonderful ocean view (which you can’t see in the dark, LOL).  I find I’m enjoying it much more thinking about it than I did when I was there. 

I have to wonder if I enjoyed it as much as anyone would.  I have to wonder if I would be okay if I lived there.  Then I have to come back to reality.  It might be okay to not be able to feel happy, if it didn’t feel like such a huge weight.  I feel like I’m disappointing the whole world, and that’s ridiculous, but I don’t know how to stop feeling that way.

Sometimes I see little glimpses of how I might be afraid to feel good.  It makes it hard to talk, that thought makes me cry a little, like right now.  If I felt good, disappointment, the slide into pain would be longer, the crash harder, the damage more.  Or is that just my rationalization for being stuck in “Everything is nothing”.  However, everything is not nothing, in addition to nothing, all those negative emotions exist and I’m certainly privilege to their full experience.

Many years ago, when I was first in a recovery, from alcoholism, I was involved in a program where everyone was responsible for helping others, as they had been helped.  That was supposed to be one of the keys to feeling well and staying sober.  Under any circumstances, I have always been a great ‘others helper’ and I took the opportunity to help others night and day.  The point of course was to stay sober and I did that.  I followed all the directions to the best of my ability, over and over, but I didn’t feel any better.  Whenever I would try to express some of my distress to other ‘program people’, looking for some kind of direction or help, I would always get the same answer. “Work with a newcomer.”  “Get out of yourself.”  So I worked with newcomers, dozens of them, for years.  As soon as they felt better, I couldn’t relate to them anymore, they had moved on to a different world and I was left behind to find another newcomer with whom to empathize and commiserate.  I stayed sober so I could feel the pain, mine and everyone else’s, with nothing with which to balance it or anesthetize it. After 11 years I became imminently suicidal. I went and got the anti-depressants that were unacceptable in “the program”. The whole thing still makes me feel confused.

I recall having an interview with a psychiatrist at one time.  He asked me if I felt confused.  The question was too confusing for me.  After some time, I said.  “I don’t know.”  I’ll bet he wrote very confused, and he certainly would’ve been correct.  Having everyone around me, appear to be experiencing pleasures and comforts I can’t touch, is a very confusing.