I made up stories, so I could feel safe. To my head, I said, “I am just like my father and he knows it. I am tough and mean and I could hurt someone. I am just like my father and he knows it. He knows if he hurts me I will do something just as bad to him. Therefore he respects me and is careful around me. My father likes me because I am just like him. I am safe. My father treats me better than the other people in the house because I am just like him. He is a little bit afraid of me and I like that.” Perhaps not in those exact words, but certainly in those exact thoughts, I tried to make myself feel safe. Of course that didn’t make everything all better. When I got a haircut he said I looked so bad, I couldn’t go any place with him anymore. That is one of the two or three most painful things anyone has ever said to me. I was nervous and I stuttered on a regular basis. Dad teased me about it on a regular basis.

Dad was in a tough spot, seven kids to take care of, money problems, time lost drinking, painful hangovers, and fights with mom over drinking, money, lost time and painful hangovers. No doubt, he also acquired some traumatic brain injury from the dramatic single vehicle ‘accidents ‘he had, totaling two pickup trucks. He had a big scar that went all the way up his forehead and into his hairline and another one from his lip down his chin.

When I was a kid I could see the black cloud over my father’s head. At the time I didn’t know that was depression, but I did know that was when he was most abusive. I understand dad felt bad, most of the time. He couldn’t get away from us, so he tried to make us get away from him. I think I was particularly sensitive. I decided early, by eight years old, I would not let what he said hurt me anymore. The best way to do that seemed to remain neutral to all commentary from him. If he said I looked bad it had no meaning . If he said I looked good it had no meaning. If he liked my report card it had no meaning. If didn’t like my report card it wouldn’t have had any meaning. And that is how I consciously started shutting down my emotions. I started being able to make everything into nothing. It is much easier to turn them off than it is to turn them back on.
Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?