Sometimes I wonder if it’s all about being afraid of feeling good.  I’ve been away for a few days, a few days of trying to have a good time and a few days of trying to get back on track.  I need to overcome some of my reluctance to let anyone in the house hear, what I’m saying, after all they could go online and read it all, but probably wouldn’t.  Some of the turmoil I experience and fast mood swings, accompanied by entirely divergent states of mind are probably much more revealing and interesting ‘fresh’, before I have had the opportunity to try to explain them to myself and adjust them.

I took a friend on a mini vacation to the coast for his birthday.  I found a delightful place to stay called Wild spring, charming cabins set in a forest on a hill above Port Orford, on the Oregon coast. It was an absolutely ideal atmosphere by nearly any standard; rich sumptuous eclectic decor a big bed like a cloud with a thick down comforter, two fat soft upholstered chairs nearly the size of loveseats, candles everywhere, a high A-frame ceiling, lightly embroidered transparent fabric covering the lower half of the Windows only- not to interfere with the view of sunlight streaking down through the forest and in the corner, a small crystal chandelier, the list goes on.  Just out the door to the right a stone lined walking labyrinth had been constructed.  A two-minute walk through the forest and past the main lodge, we enjoyed a huge deep jacuzzi with a wonderful ocean view (which you can’t see in the dark, LOL).  I find I’m enjoying it much more thinking about it than I did when I was there. 

I have to wonder if I enjoyed it as much as anyone would.  I have to wonder if I would be okay if I lived there.  Then I have to come back to reality.  It might be okay to not be able to feel happy, if it didn’t feel like such a huge weight.  I feel like I’m disappointing the whole world, and that’s ridiculous, but I don’t know how to stop feeling that way.

Sometimes I see little glimpses of how I might be afraid to feel good.  It makes it hard to talk, that thought makes me cry a little, like right now.  If I felt good, disappointment, the slide into pain would be longer, the crash harder, the damage more.  Or is that just my rationalization for being stuck in “Everything is nothing”.  However, everything is not nothing, in addition to nothing, all those negative emotions exist and I’m certainly privilege to their full experience.

Many years ago, when I was first in a recovery, from alcoholism, I was involved in a program where everyone was responsible for helping others, as they had been helped.  That was supposed to be one of the keys to feeling well and staying sober.  Under any circumstances, I have always been a great ‘others helper’ and I took the opportunity to help others night and day.  The point of course was to stay sober and I did that.  I followed all the directions to the best of my ability, over and over, but I didn’t feel any better.  Whenever I would try to express some of my distress to other ‘program people’, looking for some kind of direction or help, I would always get the same answer. “Work with a newcomer.”  “Get out of yourself.”  So I worked with newcomers, dozens of them, for years.  As soon as they felt better, I couldn’t relate to them anymore, they had moved on to a different world and I was left behind to find another newcomer with whom to empathize and commiserate.  I stayed sober so I could feel the pain, mine and everyone else’s, with nothing with which to balance it or anesthetize it. After 11 years I became imminently suicidal. I went and got the anti-depressants that were unacceptable in “the program”. The whole thing still makes me feel confused.

I recall having an interview with a psychiatrist at one time.  He asked me if I felt confused.  The question was too confusing for me.  After some time, I said.  “I don’t know.”  I’ll bet he wrote very confused, and he certainly would’ve been correct.  Having everyone around me, appear to be experiencing pleasures and comforts I can’t touch, is a very confusing.