I’m on my case again.  This time it’s that swimming Pool I bought.  I really believed I wanted it, I really believed I would use it, I really believed it would help me feel good.  I put it up in the middle of June, now in late August I can count the times I’ve used it on my fingers.  The last time I was in the pool I stood in the middle of it and told myself this feels good, this really feels good, remember how this feels.  I don’t remember how it felt and now every time I look at the pool or think of the pool I just feel guilty for spending so much money on something I’m not using, again. 

Sometimes I walk around downtown or at the mall and look at all the  junk in the world and I say to myself, there is nothing I can buy that’s going to make it any better.  It’s now been over two years since I felt good, since I wanted to use and did use the pool twice a day.  I had enjoyed a two month reprieve from my harsh life.  Then, my primary care provider decided I was stable on Lamictal and no longer needed my antidepressant.  It took me a little over three weeks to dive completely to the bottom, again.  I was so bad I had to restart the antidepressant myself and be on it for a little over a week before I came up enough to call the primary care provider and make an appointment.  Even though I went back up to the top dose of antidepressant, I never got to feel good again.  Since then I tried Seroquel and quickly gained 35 pounds plus. (I have now lost 15)  I continued with the Lamictal until I couldn’t remember why I had walked from one room to another on a regular basis.  That got very scary.  Then I tried the new improved Effexor, Pristique.  I noted no difference whatsoever with that medication, and I know enough to give them the 4-6 weeks trial they really need.  Then I got angry and threw them all away.  Bad move.  For the first time in 15 years I became suicidally depressed.  One side of my brain was thinking of ways to kill me and telling me about it and the other side was saying “Bad, bad idea, we need more meds.”  “We” restarted the handy dandy Wellbutrin, which always pulls me up somewhat, but never enough or long enough.

Here’s part of a letter I had written to the primary care provider to help her understand the situation;

“Reducing the Wellbutrin has not worked well.  When I reduced from 450 mg to 300 mg I started getting nervous and bit all my fingernails off again.  Soon after reducing to 150 mg I started shaking my leg/ foot and getting unfocused, irritable and losing the will or energy to exercise.  I had no idea how irritable I get until I started monitoring this symptom and looking at some historical incidents.  When I reduced further I quickly became very depressed, tired, anxious, irritable, asocial and sensitive to sound.  I was too depressed and upset to call so I increase to 150 mg for a week, and called a soon as I was able to talk without crying, to get another appointment.  A week later I returned to 300 mg.  I started getting some energy back and I was much less depressed,  however, I was still shaking my foot and crying when I wake up in the morning because I’m upset with my meds or, I think of something sad.  I was also still pretty irritable, easily annoyed (bitchy) and socially disconnected.  Last week I went back to 450 mg of Wellbutrin.  I feel pretty good today and I’m not afraid to go on this week’s business trip.”

I went on to say;  “My experience and research indicated I have a dopamine imbalance, which dwarfs any other neurotransmitter problems I may have.  As you know, Wellbutrin is one of the few antidepressants that primarily target dopamine.” 

So why am I not getting medications that target dopamine, why, why ,why!  I’m going to find out when I see the doctor on September 21.