Remember when you had a dream of what you wanted to be when you grew up.  Someone or something had impressed you-a cowboy, a firemen, a doctor, a nurse.  Dreams are made of inspired energy and inspired energy moves people toward goals.  I never considered what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I was a child with no dreams, no aspirations and goals. Nothing felt exciting or rewarding.  I had few friends, but it didn’t seem important.  I went to school because my mother made me go to school.  I went to church because my mother made me go to church.  But wherever I was there seemed to be nothing for me, nothing that had meaning, value, excitement.  I took piano lessons and I was bored.  I took violin lessons and I was bored. I took clarinet lessons – I was bored.  My mother finally quit bothering me with lessons.  I didn’t feel lonely, because I have never had any particular desire to be around people, except to meet basic needs.  In my world, everything has been nothing forever.  The only way I know there is something different, something much better, on a few occasions, once for a couple hours once for a couple weeks and once for two months I have broken through to the real world where good feelings are available. 

Then there is the constant watching of people doing what is called having fun and not understanding why, even when I am participating I’m just watching, because “fun” is just a subjective feeling that I don’t have. I’ve tried all kinds of sports, adventurers, moves, changes, experiences and diversions. Most of them were okay, and most of them I have no particular interest in repeating.  Sometimes a line from a song runs through my head, “57 channels and nothing’s on”,  “57 channels and nothing’s on”,  “57 channels and nothing’s on”.  It is hard to have this condition, but I can imagine it must be so much more devastating to have been normal, to have been able to participate and lost it.
Diane